As my freshman year of college ends, I have found myself thinking more and more about how it started. It’s not something I love to revisit. I surprised even myself by deciding to come to UGA as someone who had never lived anywhere but a small town in Massachusetts. I thought I knew what to expect, but I quickly found out I didn’t. I’m not completely sure why I decided to write this. I guess I hope it might help someone or make somebody feel less alone. I know I felt alone and like no one understood what I was going through at many points during what was supposed to be one of the most exciting times of my life.
In coming to UGA, I took a big risk. Moving 1,000 miles away from home to a place where I knew nobody wasn’t easy, but I felt like it was what I needed to do. I didn’t like the person that I was in high school and I wanted to go somewhere where things could be different, where nobody would have any preconceived ideas about what I was like. UGA would provide me with the opportunity to change my life for the better.
As soon as I got to campus, I realized that wouldn’t be as simple as I thought it would be. The very first night I spent here without my parents (my first day of Dawg Camp), one of my friends from back home attempted suicide. That was the first time it really sunk in just how far away I had chosen to go. I could do nothing to change what was happening. I felt helpless and terrified. And I was alone. I didn’t tell a single soul at Dawg Camp what had happened throughout the entire week I was there. It was easier and felt safer to compartmentalize instead of reaching out for any type of support. I shut down anything that allowed me to be vulnerable, which made me barely able to participate in any of the more personal activities (like Identity Walk, where I was the only one in my small group who didn’t speak once). I felt horrible because everyone was sharing things that were obviously hard for them to say, but I didn’t reciprocate at all. The saying “you can’t help but love someone once you know their story” made me feel even worse – if I hadn’t shared, that meant that no one would love me.
When I actually moved in, things didn’t start out much better. I had decided to go through sorority recruitment because I felt like it would help me make friends. I hadn’t realized just how competitive it would be and how ill-prepared I was for it. I didn’t have the right clothes or makeup or life experiences. After the very first round I was cut from 15 out of the 19 houses. By the third round, I was down to only one. I didn’t know what I had done so wrong that only one sorority could think I was worth potentially offering membership to. I was annoyed and mad at myself for not being wanted. The only way it could be made worse was if I was released from recruitment entirely. It’s very rare for someone to be cut from all 19 houses, but that didn’t make me feel any safer. Instead, it would prove what I already thought – that I wasn’t good enough. In my mind, there was something so uniquely wrong with me that I couldn’t possibly fit in anywhere.
Even when I was not released and got a bid from my sorority (Delta Phi Epsilon!), it wasn’t as easy as I thought it’d be. I had worked so hard during recruitment to keep up an outgoing exterior, but that all went away during bid day. I was so overwhelmed by everything that was happening that I could barely speak. This was not a new feeling for me, and that was the problem. Throughout my entire life, I had been the quiet girl. I hated when people would comment on how little I talked and even acted surprised that I could. I felt like a completely different person in school and at home or with my friends, and I was determined to change that in college. But it felt like I was regressing and there was nothing I could do about it. I wondered why it was even harder now that the pressure of having to present myself in a certain way was off.
It wasn’t all that bad – the girls I met on bid day are still some of my closest friends. My friend Gabby was the first person who made UGA and DPhiE feel like home to me. I remember talking to her and getting an immediate feeling that she would be one of my best friends. Later, Gabby told me that she had thought I didn’t like her at the time. This felt insane to me when I found out, because I was of course obsessed with her. But looking back, it actually makes sense. My fear of rejection caused me to distance myself from people because it felt safer. When I would text my friends to ask them if I could hang out with them, I would tack on that I had already asked other people at the end. I made it seem like they were my last resort when they were really my first choice. In my mind, it would feel less pathetic if they rejected me because they wouldn’t think they were my only option.
Overall, I was miserable. I went through cycles of feeling like I had friends and then feeling like I didn’t. I convinced myself that nobody liked me, that they were only talking to me out of obligation. I felt like everyone always forgot I existed. I saw other people having what seemed like the time of their lives and wondered what I was doing so wrong that that couldn’t happen for me too. I thought I was doing everything right, but I was making little progress. I felt like a failure. My mom would tell me that I wasn’t alone in this, that some people didn’t find “their people” until their second semester or sophomore year. That gave me very little comfort – I didn’t think I could wait that long. I was seriously considering transferring. I regretted picking UGA over my other options where I imagined things would be better.
But there was something that made me stay at UGA. Every so often I would see or feel something that would remind me of why I chose to come here in the first place. I couldn’t wait to go home for Thanksgiving, but once I was there I realized I actually wanted to come back. After that, I felt a lot better. I stopped calling my parents multiple times a day (that definitely improved things for them too). I tried to appreciate what I had instead of wishing my life was different. And things started to improve for me. By the time second semester started, that pain I was feeling at the beginning of the year was mostly just a memory. I finally accepted that my friends actually did like me. I realized that it was much easier than I had thought to just go up and start talking to someone. When I was coming back to Athens after spring break, I decided to make a list of all the little things that had made me happy and feel at home at UGA. I was able to come up with almost 30 off the top of my head. I surrounded myself with people who actually cared about me instead of people who I was trying to impress. I stopped worrying so much about the fact that I didn’t own any lululemon or have the right letters in my instagram bio. I felt like a different person.
It’s hard for me to overstate just how bad my transition was – I didn’t even mention having to move out and spend the first week of classes in a hotel because my dorm flooded – but it eventually worked out. It was only a few months ago, but I feel so far removed from how I was doing those first couple of months that it barely feels real. I finally started to become the person I hoped to be when I decided to come to UGA. It just took a little longer than expected. My freshman year of college wasn’t what I had expected or hoped for, but it was mine. I’m proud of myself for making it through.
To anyone going to college next year: I’m rooting for you. I want you to know that it’s not going to be perfect, and it’s not fair to yourself to expect it to be. You may not make friends in your hall, you might get rejected from that organization you really wanted, you might struggle in class. But know that there are people out there who care about you and want you to succeed. Your time in college will most likely not go according to plan, and that’s the best thing about it. So many of the best experiences and opportunities I have had were ones that I didn’t expect. Apply for something on a whim! Talk to that kid in your class who seems cool! Go to things and put yourself out there as much as you can, and I promise eventually things will work out for you. I wrote this not to scare you or make you feel sad for me, but so you know that it’s possible to have a great time in college even when it doesn’t start off that way. If I can do it, so can you.